My Immortal Commentary
by Suckyficcommentary
Summary: Yet another commentary of the infamous Harry potter fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

**As I said, I will be commenting on this horrible fanfic. I'm also commenting on BeleiverinChrist's Prayer Warriors series.**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **So not funny. And I'm not going to even bother counting how many words you misspell, because I'll lose count.**2 my gf (ew not in that way** I wasn't thinking that.**) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**She obviously didn't help you write your author's note.** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **I don't know who she is. What are you going to do about it? Huh? Huh?**). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**Wouldn't that make him unavailable to you? Unless you are incest or something.** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.** I can't help but wonder what Thomas Brown would say if he read this fic. Something along the lines of, "GO TO HELL, YOU SATANIC WHORE DEMON!" **I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun** How does it snow and rain at the same time?**, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.** Couldn't you have just said, "I flipped them off"?**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.**That is the first and most obvious sign that a guy likes you.**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **It was very horrible. And way too short.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay guys, I am aware that I haven't done anything in like, two full years. I seriously apologize, and since I am bored and feel bad for not updating in so long, I have decided to do a whole bunch of updating to make up for it. It actually came up again when I introduced my sister to The Worst Fanfiction Ever, aka this, and she asked me to do more. So, here I am again. Thank you guys for the reviews, and so on with the reading!**

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><p>Chapter 2.<p>

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!** Who said the people flaming you were just preps?**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **According to one reviewer, it actually does snow and rain at the same time in England. I had no idea... but I guess we learn something new every day. Gotta keep that in mind when I go there one day.** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **Yay for putting friends in your fanfics! **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **Why am I not surprised at the choice of makeup?**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **Famous last words. **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Didn't you just say you, "so fucking don't" like him? And yet you're flirting? Jeez, make up your mind.**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **Oh my God, Malfoy asked her on a date? Is he insane? Quick, Malfoy, get out while you still can!  
>Or don't. I've never actually been a big huge fan of you (no offense to those who are). And, you know, it's your funeral.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! ***stares* People gave her good reviews? How high on crack were they when they read this? **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **Oh, I think I get it. Her friend probably got several different accounts so she could give Tara good reviews and make her happy. That makes sense, doesn't it? **oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Thank God. I can't even begin to imagine how much of a nightmare it would be if she owned Harry Potter.**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **Lace? **on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **Too bad she doesn't have hemophilia and didn't realize it. I'd like to see her die from all that blood loss. **I read a depressing book **I'd ask if you were reading Hamlet, but I'm willing to bet that you don't even know what that is, let alone what it's about. **while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **Wait, Malfoy has a flying car now?**(the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **There's nothing like being high before a concert, right?**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Good, I think he has plenty enough rabid fangirls to worry about without adding you to the mix.**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively **Somehow, when I was reading the series, I never imagined Draco as a sensitive person. Of course, I don't think he was an emo-goth-satanist who listened to bands like these and dated girls like Ebony. **and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **I'm pretty sure she doesn't look that bad. But then again, in the world according to Tara, she DOES fall under the category of "prep," and, you know, that makes her an automatic bitch.**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **Duhn duhn DUHN! It's a trap! Malfoy's going to kill Ebony and, in doing so, remove the "goffik" curse that has befallen Hogwarts! Yay! Malfoy, if you really pull this off, I'll love you forever!****  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **It's Enoby now? I wasn't aware of the name change. **nut mary su OK! **Ahh. She began receiving the Mary Sue comments. To be fair, they're pretty accurate. **DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **Umm, I've read a ton of romance (I'm actually a bit of a sucker for romance) and honestly, people aren't THAT different when they are in love. **dey nu eechodder **My computer's suggested replacement for this word: chowder. I kid you not. Now this fic is making me hungry. **b4 ok!

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **Only someone like Ebony would be turned on by depressing sorrow and evilness. **and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **I checked the definition for keen. One of the definitions was, "intense, as feeling or desire." At least she knew how to use that word. Or maybe her friend Raven put that word in for her. **He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **That's how she does a sex scene? For the record, I've seen way better lemons than this. **

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!** Okay... so apparently Dumbledore swears now. Nice.**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **Note to self: Avoid Dumbledore when he has a headache. **an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **You know, for the record, that's only going to convince people to flame you more.**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris **Last time I checked (which was right now) that was the name of a rapper. Either she's referring to that, or she doesn't know how to spell ludicrous. Considering she made her taste in music clear, I'm betting it's the latter. **fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **Best insult ever. **asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **Ladies and gentlemen, that is EXACTLY how you get out of getting in trouble as a result of having sex when you're not supposed to. Tell them you love her... or him.****  
><strong>

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **Nope, she's soooo depressed! Don't you see? She just wants to commit suicide! Damn it, Draco, why don't you see this! And why don't you help her with that, too! You'll make the world a better place! **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. ***Gasps* He's not supposed to be there? Scandalous!** We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm back!**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(Tara-speak to English translation: Shut up preps, okay! P.S. I won't update until you give me good reviews!) ****That's what you said last time, wasn't it? And here you are, still updating this shitty fanfic.**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **Yay, more clothing descriptions. Because we need to know what the characters, especially Ebony, are wearing at all times, at least in Tara's opinion.**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal** Because that is totally a gothic vampire cereal. *rolls eyes** with blood instead of milk **Yum**, and a glass of red blood. **As if the blood in your cereal wasn't enough?** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **Oh no! That top was sooo expensive! How is Ebony ever going to get the blood out of it?**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up **Because you realized the person you insulted was a psycho ax murderer that decided to kill you because you insulted him so badly? **cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Why am I not surprised this dude is goth?**He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **How kinky. **and he was wearing black lipstick. **No surprise there. **He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **Wait, what?** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **How do you know that? He hasn't even spoken yet... **He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.** Hey, you were the one who brought it up, not me.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **Aww, you have to forgive him now. **

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, **Nooooooo! First of the Golden trio, utterly ruined by Tara!**although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, didn't they?**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **Umm, because he's a vampire?**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **What is with all the weird verb usage?**

"Yeah." I roared. **"Roar" by Katy Perry is now playing in my head.**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **Let me guess, Draco's going to get rid of Ebony once and for all this time! One can only hope...**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **Once again, who the hell gave you good reviews? **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Okay, I know that this story is about gothic vampire witches and wizards, but still, what is up with the Transylvania accent? "Tin God Vons"? Seriously, am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a line from _Dracula? _Next thing you know, all of the characters are going to go around saying, "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" **STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **Not before everyone else does. **Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **And that automatically makes her not a Mary Sue? **n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!** She doesn't seem like it.**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **Yes, it does.**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **Oh, Dear God.**

We started frenching passively **Passively? As opposed to actively? How is that possible? **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **A leather bra? Seriously? **and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **You sound like a five-year-old trying to describe it. **and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?** Yes, it is.**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm ***Le Gasp***. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **Oh Noes? Whatever shall Ebony do?**

I was so angry. **Why? It was just a tattoo.**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **You don't know jack crap.**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **Ouch.**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. ***Snickers* **He had a really big you-know-what **Why must you continue to refer to it like that? We're all adults here, aren't we? **but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **Hey, why are we bringing poor Harry into this? Just because his name is tattooed on your boyfriend's arm? It's not his fault. Draco was the one who decided to get the tattoo.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep! **Actually, I'm not a prep, or a poser. In fact, I'm part of a whole 'nother category that you, Tara, are clearly not aware of... NERD!**

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Everyone in the class stared at me **Of course they would. You just barged in all of a sudden and screamed at Harry and called him a mofo. That kind of tends to get people's attention. **and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **He was standing in front of a classroom butt-naked? Dear God, the mental image... **and started begging me to take him back.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **Or maybe it's totally what she thinks**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **I think you mean understandably. **She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes **Why were her eyes closed? Was she sleeping in class? **like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **Why does everyone seem to wear red contacts in this fic?** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. ***in best imitation manageable of a black woman's voice* OH HEEELLLLL NO!** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. **Well, there you go, folks. Another one of the Golden trio, ruined by Tara in her horrible fanfic. **(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **What's wrong with Griffindor? **)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **Does anyone else find it funny that the teachers seem to always use what Tara probably sees as intelligent insults? **

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. _**He **_**cheated on you with _Draco? _Isn't Draco supposed to be your boyfriend?**

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **And here's a random POV switch! **I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony **And so are all the other people in this fic.**) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. **Canonically, Draco and Harry were never good friends, or even friends at all, for the record. **He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. **I thought he was always gothic? **(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco **Definitions of virility: the state or quality of being virile; manly character, vigor, or spirit; or the power of procreation (found these definitions from ). So, either she was acting like a guy before and somehow lost that part of her personality, or she is unable to procreate anymore. I actually hope it's the latter. The last thing this universe (or any universe) needs is a bunch of Mini-Ebonys. That would be a nightmare.** then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! **No! We don't want to stop! **I dntn red all da boox! **(Tara-speak to English translation: I didn't read all the books!) No wonder why your sense of canon is so totally screwed up. **dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **Okay, while I did read all the books, I haven't gotten to watch all the movies, but still, I'm pretty sure they didn't have Dumbledore swearing in the movies. **besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **Why are you still going on about this? Wasn't this issue talked about, like, four chapters ago? **and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **Correction: The reason Snape doesn't like Harry is because he's a living, breathing reminder that Lily chose another man over him. Things like that tend to be a blow to a man's ego, and it probably doesn't help that Harry looks so much like his father. And where did you get the idea that Snape's Christian, anyway? **MCR ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **What did that poor tree ever do to you?**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **You already said that.**(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **No, he's a total poser! Isn't that right, Tara? **It was… Voldemort! **Duhn duhn DUHN!**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **An angry ginger feline shot out of my wand, landed on his head, and started scratching Voldy's face so badly it began to look like ground beef. **Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **And a masochist, apparently, because you like to slit your wrists all the time. Quite an interesting combination. Tara obviously loves dealing pain, whether it's to herself or to others. Epiphany: That's why she wrote this fanfic!**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **So, Voldemort speaks in Old English now? Gee, I knew he was old, but I didn't know he was that old.**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? ***Sarcastically* No! Ya think! And it only took you two whole chapters to realize this!**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **Uhh, guns don't exist in the wizarding world. But then again, why am I even bothering? This is Tara we're talking about, and this is what she THINKS is canon. **"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face **Lol**. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly** Telekinesis: The ability to move things with your mind. Which makes no sense in this context, unless Voldy used it to somehow spy on Ebony and Malfoy without being seen**. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **Great, more lame puns. **between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **You got expelled? Is this where the story ends? **

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **That's some rather impressive multitasking there.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags **Talk about being a homophobe. **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! **I would, but I made a commitment to finishing this fic.. **ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al **No, she's a witch born from Muggle parents. **n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **Tara, can you stop screwing around with the canon? Because this isn't canon, not in the slightest. **

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **I'm guessing this isn't a band I want to listen to. **I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **And this was news to absolutely no one. **People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it. **And there goes the last of the Golden Trio, completely and utterly ruined by Tara by her warped version of what's canon. May all three of them rest in peace. *funeral music plays***) and Hargrid. **You brought Hagrid into this now? Haven't you destroyed enough characters? **Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)** Dare I point out that you already have, when you were describing your lovely band?** or a steak **So, meat can kill a vampire? Now I am so totally going to invite Ebony over to dinner, so I could trick her into eating steak covered in garlic (which might not sound the most appetizing, but whatever). And then she will die, and the Harry Potter universe will be saved! God, I'm a genius!**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **For the record, this movie isn't really depressing. Bittersweet, maybe, but not depressing. Trust me, I've watched it myself. **I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **Why do you dress like that, then? Hasn't anyone told you? If you want people to have a good impression of you, dear Ebony, dress accordingly. Simply put, if you don't want people to think you look like a slut, then don't dress like a slut, mmkay?**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **Someone's on their time of the month, aren't we?**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **The same kind of dilemma that just about every female YA character must deal with. Of course, you could always respond by killing Voldy himself. But then again, the real question is whether it's even possible for you to manage that. **  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.<p>

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?** Actually, I think this is about as close to in-character as Tara has gotten in writing Malfoy in this entire fanfic.**)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **Unfortunately, this is a case of one step forward, two steps back. Any progress Tara has made in writing at least one of the characters in-character has now officially been lost.**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **I didn't know you could cry wisely. But I suppose if anyone can pull it off, it's Dumbledore.**(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **Didn't you just inform us that it was impossible?**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I decided to do this one last chapter today, because then I'll officially be a quarter of the way finished. Yay!**

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid! **(Tara-speak to English Translation: I said stop flaming you preps! See if this chapter is stupid!) Ten bucks says it is.**1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid **(More translation: It deals with really serious issues! See for yourself if it's stupid) First, i'm sure those issues are serious, and second, if the rest of the fic is anything to go by, then it probably is stupid. **brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **And that didn't stop any of the characters in the past? **

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **No! I love Linkin Park! Please don't tell me she's going to ruin it somehow! **I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **You only almost did it? **I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff **Spikes? **on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! **Definition of masticate: to chew food. So, Lupin's munching on, what, popcorn? A candy bar? Pizza? What's so bad about that? **They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **But you just said you got dressed. You even took, like, half a paragraph to describe it. **ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **So Harry's a girl, now? **I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **No, he's the Hogwarts game keeper.**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **So is half the people in this story. **

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **Huh? **

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **Not that there's anything to see.**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **Or, in the case of normal human beings, when you don't eat or drink enough.**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **What's a clook?**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **Not sure I wanna know what that sounds like.**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!" **Now, where have we heard that before?**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 **Since when? **a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! ** Uhh,no offense, Tara, but I think this so-called issue is adressed plenty enough without you adding in your two cents. And anyway, if putting out a message means that much to you, here's a little tip: Spelling and grammar go a long way.** how du u no snap iant kristian **Well, if we're going with your version of the HP world, I guess then that it's canon, even though there's no mention of it in thebooks.** plushargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok! **Wait, when did Cedric show up? *Checks last chapter* Nope, no mention of Cedric. But then again, this is Tara's world. I guess I probably shouldn't question it.**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago **Who the hell is Drago? Is he Daco Malfoy's twin brother? **had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **So Ebony's committing suicide? Is this really the last of the Mary Sue? *gets bowl of popcorn, stuffs handful in mouth* Well, what are you waiting for? Kill yourself already so the HP universe can go back to normal!**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. "How did u know?" **That his scar hurts? Ummm, he CAN feel it. It's his scar, after all.**

"I saw it! **Saw what? **And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **One thing you should know about scars, Ebony, is that they never really go away. I should know, since I still have one on my knee from when I fell in 7th grade.**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram **What's wrong with it being a lightning bolt? Lightning bolt scars are cool... At least that was what I thought back when I was newly obsessed with the series.** for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"** So he didn't commit suicide by slitting his wrists? Dear God, this story is confusing.**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **St. Mango's, the hospital for fruit! Have a rotting orange or a bruised apple? Bring them over to St. Mango's, and they'll be better in no time! **

**All silliness aside, Tara, I'm pretty sure you meant St. Mungo's. I should know, because unlike you, I actually read the books.** afterthey recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.** So it's perfectly okay for them to be teaching at a school with lots of ugly girls? Or rather average ones? Is that what you're saying? **Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera **This gives me a weird mental image of Dumbledore on the toilet with a constipated look on his face after eating a video camera.**they took of me naked.** But you weren't naked! **I put up my middle finger at them. **Ebony's favorite form of greeting: flipping people off. **

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, **Because pink is such a prep color, and preps are evil. **and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **Not roses? What are they, then? The suspense is killing me!**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong **Yep, still spelled wrong.**) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **Ebony being wise. What a laugh.**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **Did she seriously put the name of a band and the name of a song by them as a spell? And tried to make it sound Latin?**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. **Yeah, you said that already. **Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls **Balls, heh heh. **of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT **Seriously, Tara, your lame-assed attempts at humor fail to amuse me.)**u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled.**But wasn't he talking to "Enobby?" **dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on **Dear God, more lengthy clothing descriptions. a bla**ck leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit **SERIOUSLY!?**) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **Why would they be spying on you when they're in St. Mango's Hospital for Fruit? **I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures **Where you learn how to give really awesome hairdos to really magical magic creatures, like unicorns and stuff! **. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **Poor Hufflepuff...**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **Oooooohhhh! EBONY'S CHEATING ON DRACO! I'm so gonna tell on you, Ebony!**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **First it's "mediocre dunces," and now it's "horny simpletons?" Now THIS is hilarious. **shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **Really? You guys did it in front of the whole class? Are you two animals?**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. **Hey, don't lay this all on him. You were trying to screw him, too. **You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **Hey! You can't just run out! The unicorn still needs his hair done!**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.**Didnt we just read this aa little bit ago? *Scrolls up* Yes, we did.**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.**I'm not going to say it again.**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **Couldn't you ask her that in person?**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! **No! We love it too much!**

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs? **Despicable snobs? Oh, Tara, this never fails to amuse me.**" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.** I wonder what Dumbledore's evil laugh would sound like. **

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." **What? They didn't really do much besides screw each other in the Forbidden Forest. Oh, and the part with Draco running around naked. But still, it's not that bad, is it? **he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! **Does it matter?**)

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!**That was quick. Ebony didn't get Splinched, though? Not badly enough for it to kill her? **

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"  
>It was….. Voldemort! <strong>Who is apparently Muslim now.<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **Tara, stop wasting your time and just accept that it's not going to happen. **Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update **No need to be sorry! In fact, we love it when you don't update! We wish you would never update again so we don't have to see the HP universe constantly screwed with until it's no longer recognizable! **but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **Is it terrible to say I wish she stayed there?** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! **Keep dreaming, Tara.**

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **Well, thanks for the warning.**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **Pettigrew?** Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **Of course that's an insult in Tara's book. **he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun **Where'd they get a gun? **he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **Oh, God, I have a bad feeling I know EXACTLY where this is going...**"EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok **Because Snape and Lupin are supposedly two pedos too many.**)

"Huh?" I asked.  
>"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" <strong>Of course this had to happen. And Tara claims that Ebony is'nt a Mary Sue. What else are we supposed to think in cases like these? <strong>asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." **Whoa, F-bomb much? **I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.** Why? Did you actually feel sorry for him, even though you killed him?**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! **The dirty jokes that can be made from this line...**We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **Apparently Voldy's a drag queen now. Nice.**So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts.**You mean you guys didn't stay to defeat the Dark Lord? Cowards.** We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. **For absolutely no reason at all?**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah ***facepalm***) and a really huge you-know-what **It's a dick, Tara. Are you really so immature that you can't just use the term and instead refer to it as a "you-know-what?" Say it with me: DICK. **and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **You think THAT'S unfair? Really?**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **YOU. WEREN'T. NAKED! **Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" **Oh, Dear God, she can't be serious.** I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty ***sarcastically* Suuuuuuurrrreee she isn't. ** "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **You know what this reminds me of? That stupid song Hot Problems. I can just imagine a version of it for characters like Ebony. "We have problems, too! We're just like you, 'cept we're Sues..." Except that Sue problems aren't like normal people problems. I mean, no one I know is so absolutely amazing that it's a curse...**


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **(Tara-speak to English translation: Stop flaming, okay! By the way, you suck,from now on every time someone flames me I'm going to slit my wrists!) Don't kill yourself, Tara. Or maybe you should... God, I'm such a terrible person now, aren't I?**fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. **And why are you getting mad at him, now? **I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. **Big deal. **He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

I put on **More clothing descriptions! Brace yourselves! **a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. **Hogwarts has Biology? Who knew? **I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **Well, that was random.**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **She's so beautiful... IT'S A CURSE! **Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **Before Malfoy met you, he was an arrogant prick whose father was a former Death Eater. But he doesn't remember that because you put a curse on the whole school that made everyone forget who they really were and instead believed they were part of this " goffick" nightmare you call fanfiction.**Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . **I don't know who Pierre is. But that's about it. I am familiar with Marilyn Manson (I just looked him up, and I have to give Tara some credit, since he IS Goth) and as for Chester... God, I'd hate to actually agree with her, but it's so unfair that she had to use my favorite band in this fic. Linkin Park isn't Gothic!**

"OMFG."** What's with the text talk?** I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now** Random unimportant detail!**) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch** Then why are you comparing yourself to her?**) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. **And you even watched one of her movies? I'm seriously starting to doubt you, Tara. **Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. **Good for you!**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich **Now she's mad at her friend Raven? **gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis!** She doesn't have to do jack crap if she doesn't want to.** BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

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We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing **Who gives a crap what you're wearing? **a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! **Is it me, or does that sound like a band name?**

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. **But you were just there...**"Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted **Gadgeted? What, is Malfoy Inspector Gadget now? **uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **In your universe, perhaps, but in the real world, if guys don't want to talk about it, it's because they'd much rather actually be doing it rather than wasting time just talking about it.**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **Maybe they'll go with McGonagall, so that everytime they get even close, she'll yell at them and call them horny simpletons. Hey, it would be more entertaining for us.**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina **My sister's name is Christina. She takes offense to this. **or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.** He just said no. Jeez, leave him alone, Ebony.**

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

I was flattened **By a steamroller? **cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

"OK then I guess I will have to." **You don't have to, you know. **I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'loody Mary was standing there. **Where did she come from? **"Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **So, as a result of being in a fight with your friend, you punish her by bashing her character in your fanfic? That's stupid.**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. **That's a kid's movie. It's not necessarily exclusively Gothic.** "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **How can someone be energetic and lethargic at the same time? Are you trying to write àn oxymoron? Or did you mean something else?**"Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

"Kawai." I commnted happily. **She just announced she murdered your ex-best friend and that Lupin raped her dead body, and that's all you can say?What kind of person are you?**We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. **Of course she'd have a card like that. Why am I not surprised?**

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"** No, she's an awesomely clever nerd like me. And her name isn't Bloody Mary, it's Hermione. And she was awesomely clever enough to figure out how to end this '"goffick" nightmare for good! Right?**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **Aww. Well, we can always hope that it won't last forever! Because it won't, right?**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!** VAMPIRE! **). Or me. **How could you have been the one to tell her about it if you didn't know about it yourself until now?**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. **You mean she whisper-yelled. If she were asking that normally, it wouldn't be in all caps, unless she was yelling it. And if you're trying to be quiet about it, then it means you're whisper yelling.**

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **Then why'd you say it in the first place?** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." **You reserve things like that for Ebony and her friends? She doesn't deserve it!**

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." **Aren't they in St. Mango's Hospital for Fruit? Holy hell, i'm confused... **He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" **You don't know that. Maybe they just wanted to take pictures of puppies or something.** I cried, running out of the changing room **Since when were you in the changing room? **wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. **Uhh, a real salesperson wouldn't do that, exactly. They'd get fired, because that loses the company money. **Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." ***facepalm* Tom Riddle is Voldemort, idiot! Or, should I say, mediocre dunce! Ridiculous dimwit! LUDICROUS FOOL!**He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, **Whoa, there Ebony. He was just saying that he might see you there. It doesn't mean he's a sick perv or anything. You're way overreacting,for the record. **but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"** CLIFFHANGER! *Le Gasp***


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! **What's a stryo? **if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. **Is it bad that I want to try it out now? Do you guys even think it's still there? **if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **You should give it back anyway, Tara, since it's not yours.**

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual** Why am I not surprised? **). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum **DIRTY MENTAL IMAGES! **back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch **I don't have friends who call me bitch. Is that bad? **you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. **Raven, Tara has officially forgiven you. **She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **She can't be that thin if she had big boobs. She'd be worse than Barbie.**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. **Good for them. **Diabolo was wearing **For your sanity's sake, I highly suggest you skip this next clothing description. **a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart **The supermarket for vampires! It's where they sell their best blood! **was going 2 da concert wif Dracola **The most well known blood-soda in the vampire world! Sold at Bloody Marts everywhere! **Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **Why is Tara using the same damn backstory for every single character? Does she have any creativity? **They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. **So now Neville's character is ruined. How many does that make it now? I've lost count. **He was wearing **I feel as if clothing descriptions take up at least a quarter of this stupid fanfic. That's 25% less words than was necessary, and yet Tara still included it all needlessly. Is she really that cruel? **a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik ***continuously bangs head against wall* WHY. WON'T. SHE. STOP. USING. LAME. PUNS? DOES. SHE. REALIZE. THAT. IT'S. NOT. FUNNY?**) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. **That's pretty much her hobby, isn't it? Whenever bored, Ebony enjoys nothing more than making fun of stupid fucking preps. **We soon got there….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... **Somehow, I can't really imagine Voldemort as a prep... Actually, I can now. I'm imagining him in really nice pressed cotton pants and a blue button down shirt. It's kinda weird.**Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! **Dejà vu much?**

"U moronic idiots!" ***Quickly adds "moronic idiot" to list of insults from My Immortal that she plans to use* Not quite as funny was "mediocre dunce" or "ridiculous dimwit" or "horny simpletons", but it's still pretty funny. **he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!" ***Le Gasp* Voldy's gonna save the day! Who woulda thunk it? **

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black **You know, you should really lay off the cigarettes if your lungs are black. That isn't healthy. **hair and a looong black bread. **Did you guys know that black bread is an actual Russian dish? Though admittedly, I only knew it existed because it's mentioned in the Vampire Academy series (which Tara better not ruin with a fanfic, or else I will hunt her down, and she will pay!). **He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE! **And you're Madame Maxime, apparently... What? You keep calling him Dumblydore. **


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! **NO!** if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. **What help?** u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor **I thought we were way done discussing Dumbledore's reasons for using swear words! **is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. **Huh, that's funny. I wake up in a BED. Is that weird? **I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. **SLUT!** I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth **Tara, you should be glad I often have a good sense of self-control. You have no idea how close I am to strangling you. **). Dumbeldore chased Vlode9mort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. **Who cares about what the brooms look like! Stop wasting words, Tara! **We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.** What? No. NO! I'M NOT HAVING THIS MENTAL IMAGE! YOU AREN'T GOING TO RUIN LINKIN PARK FOR ME, TARA! I WON'T LET YOU! **)

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashle Simpson** She's a person, not a band.** and the Backstreet Boys.** Hey, don't diss the Backstreet Boys. Just because they aren't your definition of good...**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing **I think we should play a drinking game. Although you don't necessarily have to use actual alcohol... I mean, I can't 'cause I'm not yet 21, so I'd use something else... Anyway, every time Ebony describes what she or her friends are wearing, take a drink. Got it? **a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.** Of course they were.**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.** Duhn duhn DUHN!**

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. **Why are you so against Gryffindor, Tara? What did they ever do to you? **Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted **I am extremely disfusted, too. Whatever that means.**and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." **His first name is Albus, not Albert. But of course you wouldn't know that, because you even admitted yourself that you didn't read the books. **HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **The Transformers theme song just randomly started playing in my head. o.o **We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard **We could probably make a drinking game out of this, too.**) but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted. **Dumbledore having a midlife crisis. Lol.**

I was so fucking angry. **Why?**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 **Jealous? Of you? Pshhhhh, not in a million years!** frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz! ***Sarcastically* Oh, yes, I am soooooo scared!**111 BTW evonyd a poorblod **A poorblood? As opposed to a richblood? ** so der! **What are you getting back at us for, anyway? **1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. **But it already happened...**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. ***le gasp* He's hiding an AFFAIR! With Vampire, no less! And it's so bad that Ebony just might have to kill herself, resulting in the HP uuniverse going back to normal! No? Well, I tried. *shrugs***

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot **We don't care about your opinion!**).

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare **Aww, Draco has a bunny rabbit! Well, a hare, actually. Apparently there's a difference. **went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing **Quick, everyone! Take a drink!** black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik **And there's another drink!**) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under.**You know, when I first started commenting on this, I legitimately didn't know who Amy Lee was. But now I do. She's the lead singer of Evanescence. I'm guessing that's how she got the name for this stupid fanfic. **(email me if u wana see da pik)

"Accuse me?** Yes, he's accusing you of destroying his universe and turning it into a goffic nightmare.** What about me!" I growled.

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned. **Hey, if you want your relationship to last, then don't pick fights over pretty much nonexistent little things.**

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted **after I walked in on him fucking another girl, a prep, no less.**

But it was to late. I knew what I herd.**You didn't hear much of anything...** I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. **I was so depressed that I decided to bring out my trusty T-bone, and then proceeded to swallow it whole. And then I died, and found myself in the land of sunshine and rainbows and fluffy bunnies and unicorns, which was my worst nightmare, because I'M A GOFF AND I HATE THOSE THINGS WITH A FUCKING PASSION. And so I was absolutely miserable for all eternity. The End! **Draco banged on the door.** *sighs*One can only dream... Though for the record, I liked my version better.** I whipped **Y****ourself? **and whepped as my blody eyeliner **You mean you're using blood as eyeliner?** streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces** Ladies and gentleman, it appears that Ebony is crying over shit. Literally.** like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **Let's get STONED! That always solves problems for us!**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. **Careful, Tara. You don't want to go start a fire. Though it might be worth it if you burn yourself to death.** "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?" **That's something I want to know as well.**

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid **The same guy you blew up at just because he said he might see you around? That guy? **or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore. **Dumbledore's in the girl's bathroom, too? PERVS! **

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?" **Dumbledore's the last person I'd imagine talking to a teenage girl about clothing. Even if he IS gay.**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx **Don't you mean posers? Because I was under the impression that in your version of the world, there were only goffs, preps, and posers.** were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **A surprise that inc!udes Ebony's ultimate demise, hopefully.**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! **(Tara speak to English Translation: I said I don't care what you think!) You know, if you really didn't care, you wouldn't demand that we stop flaming you in every author's note, and you wouldn't threaten to slit your wrists every time you get flamed. But then again, you obviously don't care about your reviewers' opinions enough to stop updating. **stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **If only this non-update period was forever instead of only three days...**

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on **Time for another drink!**a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly** Sacredly? What kind of religion are we talking about?** I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin!** *le gasp*** "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) **And another drink! **kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.** Of all the people he could have gone to, he went to Ebony for condoms? Automatically assuming that she'd have them? You guys all know what this means, right? *cough cough* Ebony's a slut *cough cough***

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **Ooh, burn!**

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1** Poor Dobby! What did he ever do to deserve such a thing?**

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. **Here, Dobby, I'll give you some of my brain bleach. *hands bottle of brain bleach to Dobby* **Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) **Of course you are.** but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) **Since when?**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)** Oh my God, Tara actually spelled it right! I think I might just have a heart attack! *passes out on the floor, is revived a few minutes later by someone dumping a bucket of water on her* Oh, thanks. Now, where was I? Oh yeah... Tara spelled a word correctly! **

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin **Lol Lumpkin. **shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked.** Ebony's using blackmail! How scary!** "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. **Lol Dumbledork. **So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. **Hey, don't blame Draco. It's not his fault he has erectile disfunction. **"U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. **Arthur Weasely should really consider getting a patent on that. **It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak **Dogfather? Well, I guess it's pretty accurate... **had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

….I gasped.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful **Another rather big word that Tara actually spelled correctly! Good job, Tara! *applauds*** voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner.** Uh oh, he caught you red-handed! **


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. **Whoa, calm down there, Tara. Is that any way to greet your reviewers? **itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong** Yes it is.** ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help.** I'm still lost as to how Raven's been helping...** btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **GOOD FOR YOU!**

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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice. **I wonder what that sounds like...**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way.**Wonder what that _looks _like.** I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **If he does, then it's your fault for making him live in this fucked up world as your bf.**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!** What's wrong with words that sound the same as other words? What did they ever do to you?**)

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! ** *Le gasp* **Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **Wait, there's such thing as Coke that makes you invincible? I need to get my hands on this stuff! Then I will be awesome, 'cause nothing will ever be able to touch me!**We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. **Umm, isn't Filch the caretaker, and Mrs. Norris the cat?**

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" **Um, you do realize that the cloak is invisible? And that whoever's under it is invisible? So I highly doubt that Filch would even realize that someone was there under an Invisibility Cloak. If anything, the most he'll think about it is that Peeves is playing another prank on him or something. **he asked. Filth nodded. And then….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. **Is he on his time of the month?**

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin **I wouldn't know, since I'm pretty sure I've never watched it.**) on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 **They are here to bust your ass, Ebony. They know what "gottik" nonsense you are up here, and so they hereby sentence you to an eternity in Azkaban!**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok! **Huh? **11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1 **So you went from telling Raven she sucks to telling her she rocks? Bipolar much?**

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **They must be really miserable... **Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **Who the hell wears leather PJ's (besides Ebony, of course)? I mean, it sounds kinda uncomfortable...** Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! **STALKERS! PERVS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN EBONY'S ROOM?**

I opened my crimson eyes. **How'd you know they were there if your eyes were closed? Do you have X-ray vision or something? **Willow was wearing **Everyone, take a drink! **a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **Boots attatched to your top. That can't possibly look good... does it? It can't be all that comfortable, either. **Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. **Almost? **Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words **How nice. **and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) **Who's Jenny? I don't know anyone named Jenny. **was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.** Story of the life of pretty much every single character in My Immortal.**

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said.

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.** Uhh, she's still in her leather PJ's, you know. At least give her time to make herself lool like she didn't just roll out of bed.**

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."** You mean he's horny?**

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged **I wasn't aware that Fudge got a sex change... I wonder if it's easier with magic... **was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"

"THE BARK LORD **Voldy's a dog now? Or is he a tree? **IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **I'm surprised Tara even knows what Alzheimers is. **YOU MUST RETRY** Retry what?** OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **The savior of this story just so happens to be our depressed goffick Sue. Who totally did not see that coming? *crickets***

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped. **It only took half the story for there to be anything even remotely resembling a plot...**

**I'm halfway through, guys! Finally!**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz! **All reviews about how you shouldn't even be on here... **1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox **She obviously hasn't told you enough... **gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. **In half? Or into several unidentifiable little pieces? *shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter, as long as it gets the job done.**

"MR. WAY **Did Ebony get a sex change without us being aware of it? **WHAT THE BEEP **Why are you only censoring your language now? You never worried about it before... **ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her. **I'm imagining Dumbledore with an airhorn o.o**

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. **Dirty mental images! **"She means hi everybody cum **Need... brain bleach! **in!"

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **Who? **I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting **A gun? **angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. **And why did they get into a gun fight, exactly?**

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **So, let me get this straight... Malfoy and Harry are having a gun fight over who gets to take a dump next to Ebony? ... Why?**

"No I do!" shouted.

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. **I still don't get why it matters who gets to crap next to Ebony... I mean, as long as it's in a toilet, then I really don't care where I do my business, but maybe it's just me.**

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv **I didn't say anything...**) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **Why do you have to say things you already just said? You do realize it's not necessary, right? **and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent….Volzemort! **And why do you keep describing Voldy like we don't know what he looks like? **

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. ***breathing noises* I... am... your FATHER! *Duhn duhn DUHN!***"Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou **FINALLY! *shoves popcorn in mouth* **and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. **Oh, come on! You just said you would kill Ebony! Ñow you just leave? *flips table***

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **Ebony's a contortionist now? Is there anything she CAN'T do? **Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. **How do you know what they look like? **I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **So, in other words, he wasn't slitting his wrists with a big smile on his face while singing a happy song and dancing in a sunshiney meadow of pretty blue flowers? Nice to know.**

"No!" I screamed sexily. **Somehow I can't imagine that sounding sexy... **Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **I'm not sure who would want to possess you. I certainly wouldn't.**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though."

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 **I'm not sure why she even bothers. It's not like anyone's actually going to stop... **raven fagz 4 di help!

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Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese.** That wasn't all in Japanese, FYI. ** She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. **How do you smell someone with lipstick? Seriously, I can't imagine how it would work. **She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair **Versus living and breathing black hair? **with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. ***groans* Of course. **She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate) She's really young for a teacher. **Wasn't Trelawney one of the older teachers? **2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?" **In Ebony's world, teachers spend precious teaching time discussing things like nail polish with their students.u**

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked.

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." **If only class was dismissed every time someone requested a chat with my teacher. The teacher would just step outside for a minute, wait until class was over, or, in some cases, get another teacher to stay in the class with us. **Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps.** I don't think the teacher should stay a teacher if she's discriminating against the students.** "Please do exorcize (geddit** Drink!**) 1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."** So, otherwise, nothing.**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing **Drink! **a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.

"Bye bitch." I said waving.** In Ebony's world, you can totally badmouth the teachers, because the teachers will badmouth you back.**

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 **There's one problem with that, and that is the fact that you have no freaking clue where any of your reviewers live. Ahh, the anonymity of the Internet. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? **n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 **(Tara-speak to English translation: I'll tell all the nerds to put... virtues? in your computer!) Well, I didn't know that I needed a virtuous computer. What will having a virtuous computer do, anyway? Constantly filter what you're typing on it so a mean sounding comment like, "THIS IS THE SHITTIEST FANFIC EVER AND YOU TOTALLY SUCK! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING THAT YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU COULD WRITE SOMETHING WORTHWHILE, ANYWAY?" is changed to something like, "Though your story seems to have potential, there are also some things you could improve. Don't worry, this is part of the writing process, and I do say that I think you have the ability to become an excellent writer, so long as you keep practicing and keep getting better at it. Have a nice day!"?**FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. **Hopefully not. It would be good if you spare the audience from having to read that kind of thing for once. **We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. **Yes, when it comes to writing, details are important. Unfortunately, there are some details that aren't and as far as I can tell, pretty much all the details you are giving us are the details that aren't important, and in fact, unnecessary. This is just one of the many cases.**

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. **Ooh, ooh, was it the Whomping Willow? I really hope it was the Whomping Willow! **We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me  
>And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.<p>

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. **Wait, this is supposed to be a sex scene? Because here I thought we were reading an instruction manual for assembling something that had been bought at IKEA. *in best monotone voice* "Insert tab A into slot B." *back to normal voice* It's even a trope on TV tropes, if you don't already know. **We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.** Not that you would be able to see your eyes opening... unless you were having an out of body experience or something?**

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111 **This must be really _serious,_ then... (Yes, horrible pun is totally intended).**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11** Wait, who said anything about being racist?**

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A few mutates **Whoa, evolution happening before our very eyes! And I had actually doubted all those people who said it actually existed... Unless the "mutates" Ebony's referring to are bad ones, in which case it probably doesn't count as evolution. **later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, **One of Michael Jackson's family? Is that what he's wearing? God, talk about messed up... **black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!" **YOUR fucking dick did that... whatever it was your dick did.**

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire **Wait, your sire? Isn't that supposed to be, like, your father or something? **are dads have been shot!" **Sirius isn't Harry's father, he's Harry's godfather. You forgot to add the "god" part, but then again, that word is probably offensive to you, the same way the word "cross" is. **Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **Well, she's not in pieces, is she? Though that could easily change... *holds up an ax***

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker. **Hey, that's no way to talk to the headmaster of Hogwarts!**" he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter **(Tara speak to English translation: See, is the toot of... cracker?) Huh? What's this about crackers, anyway? Now I kind of want some...**). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **Yeah, we all know Malfoy always has so much trouble making up his mind...** Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **First crackers, and now we're talking about... porn? Seriously, Tara?**

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

I fought about it.**With who? Did you lose? Did they kill you?** Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **It must be really long at this time of year... **I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes **It's official: Dumbledore can't carry a tune to save his life. **he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room.**His godfather has just been found, and his immediate reaction is to slit his wrists? What kind of screwed up mind did you give poor Harry, Tara?** We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister **who is an extremely sinister bitch **was behind them!1

**Well, another chapter again. I guess I'm going to watch porn and eat crackers now... or at least crackers, since I don't exactly watch porn...**


	27. Chapter 27

**Hey I'm back (finally! Thanks to ARandomFangirler for all the awesome reviews! They made me really happy when I saw them! **

**And adding to the happiness is the fact that I'm currently on my brand new laptop! Yay for me!**

**Anyway, sorry I haven't updated in quite a bit. But here's a new chapter for you guys! Hope you guys enjoy more of my ridiculous commentary!**

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u **Unless they're starving for blood. Then they can't help it. Or they're just sadistic bastards. Or... well, you guys get the idea. Tara's statement isn't exactly accurate, especially not if you're some poor random Hufflepuff just minding their own business.**

AN: u no wut! **NO I DON'T! **111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport **I never realized Raven was into sports...** n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111 **...I just love how casually she talks about it, don't you? Tara's all like, "Oh, yeah, sorry I couldn't update, I was really depressed and slit my wrists, so I had to go to the hospital, and oh by the way Raven, you rock!"**

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. **Suuuuure you did.** Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing **And there's another drink. Once I turn 21, I'll so totally reread my own commentary, and see how drunk I get as a result. **a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **Definition of perdition: a state of final spiritual ruin; loss of the soul; damnation. So, in other words, Ebony's going to hell? Or, at least, her version of hell? All right!**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs **Who?**, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said… "Tara,** Oh wow, now Tara's putting herself in the fanfic.** I see drak times are near." She said badly. She peered into da balls. **Whose balls are we looking at, anyway? **"You see, you must go back in time." ***Doctor Who theme starts playing randomly*** She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **Minty fresh! **was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **And why is it such a big deal, exactly, that Voldy got the floor of his fireplace broken? I mean, couldn't he just get it fixed?** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him.** *groans loudly* Of course...** It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. **Just kill him, Ebony. If he has even a shred of sanity still left in him, there is no way that you're going to make him fall in love with YOU, of all people. **You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **I have no clue what that is. And I doubt I really want to know. **I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? **Why is that a question? Do you really have no clue who's talking to you?**

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name **Mental image: A bunch of Hogwarts students writing Ebony's name on the floor with that cheese that comes in a can... you know the kind that you put on your crackers? Yeah, that cheese. **and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. **So the wizarding world has TV now? Or are they just regular ol' journalists for the Daily Prophet? I'd say it's fine as long as Rita Skeeter isn't there, but really I would love to see what crap she would write about Ebony. **A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM **You mean that crossdressing devil guy from Powerpuff Girls? **sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. ***Claps* Fred and George are really getting some business! Even if it's to celebrate one of the worst characters ever created...**

I put on my Invisibility coke **First there's Coke that makes you invincible, and now there's Coke that makes you invisible? Jeez, where are they selling these, anyway? I can't seem to find them at my local Wal-mart. Otherwise I would have bought them by the gallon already. **with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether


	28. Chapter 28

**So, there's going to be a lot of updating today, because I recently discovered that Tara had written another fanfic (that is still on, if you are just that curious) which is a crossover between Twilight and Fullmetal Alchemist (which I have recently gotten really, really into), so of course I was horrified, and felt the need to vent about it somehow... hence this little marathon I'm having...**

**BTW yes, I already wrote a commentary on it... Please read it. As much torture as it is to read that couple-hundred word piece of garbage with absolutely no redeeming qualities (at least My Immortal is just so bad it's funny), I've been told that my commentary makes it better... which I hope is also the case for said piece of shit that is Fullmetal Twilight (how original, huh?)**

**Anyway, on with this chapter:**

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story **Wasting your breath again, Tara? **it wuz a miskat **Does anyone have any clue what a miskat is?** wen profsor relory **Who?** sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! **As always... Tara, you do realize your flamers are pretty much immune to your telling them they suck at this point? **fangz 2 fily **Who? **4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111 **As to how Raven will be having fun with kiwis, I have a feeling I REALLY don't want to know...**

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We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. **Of course the room has to look like that... **A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. **Dear God, real bones? Real human skulls? I shudder to think of the poor people whose bones made up the chair that Ebony's about to sit on... **I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. **I so did not need to know that.**

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. **Having Ebony, of all people, placing her ass on your remains, is a fate worse than death.** So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. **Who cares what your nails look like? Seriously, you really need to learn when detail is appropriate and when it isn't.**

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. **DETAIL. IS. NOT. NECESSARY! **"The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. **That is a really big problem. Unless Voldy is somehow not immune to the curse that makes everyone with a penis fall madly in love with Ebony like I originally thought he was...** Ill have 2 go bak in time"

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?" **You see, Ebony, he's actually hoping you'll say yes. And his tears are really tears of joy at the mere thought of it...**

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **Dude, you're really not missing anything.**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. **What about Sylvester Stallone?** He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. **But didn't it say Vampire originally, not Enoby? **Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. **In other words, he had maybe one thing about him that kind of reminded you of Gerard Way... like probably eye color or something. **Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). **Why anyone would want a sex tape with Ebony in it, I have no freaking clue...**

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif. **No comment on that...**

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **Did you have to try and ruin Star Trek for everyone else, too? **in my you-know-what and passively **I can't imagine that passive sex would be very fun... or that it would even qualify as sex at all... **we did it.

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. **Looks like Tara's actually trying to write a good sex scene this time around. Too bad she still failed... **We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 **Yay! They were caught red-handed! That'll teach them, the horny simpletons!**


	29. Chapter 29

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 **That logic only works until you realize that not all your flamers are preps... in fact, most of them probably aren't...** raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

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"Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. **I hope they have really good aim.**

"CUM NOW!1!" **I thought you weren't supposed to encourage them to do what they were just doing... **Preacher **Since when is McGonagall a preacher? **McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel **Ooh, caramel! I want some!** and put it in his pocket.

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

"Yeah buster ***snickers* Did you seriously call Snape "buster?"**what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera? **You mean the fucking camera that has you and Ebony fucking recorded on it? You mean that "fucking" camera? **" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret **All American Rejects' "Dirty Little Secret" just started playing in my head... **and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. **... Huh? **Snoop laughed meanly.

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum **... "Made us cum?" Seriously? Why is there so much jizzing in this fanfic? Is it really necessary? **into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom ***facepalm* There's your next drink, guys. **lol tom felnot **Does anyone have any clue who that is? **rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). **There's no way Gerard's gonna marry you (horrible pun totally not intended).**

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz** Not sure I've heard of it...** raven sed **Why is Raven so thirsty? **so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **They could have just easily used Avada Kedavra... **They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. ***shakes head* Once again, if you aim to kill, you could have easily used Avada Kedavra. ****It would have been far more efficient. **I took out my wand.

"Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **Since when did they start doing ballet? Now I have a weird mental image of Snape in a tutu... **I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. **Why doesn't she just use Avada Kedavra on Ebony already? **She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen ***blinks* What kind of name is Evergreen? Or did she mean to put a d instead of a g and r, and if that's the case, I'll have to ask, when the hell did Katniss show up? **will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake."

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **JUST YELL "AVADA KEDAVRA" AND POINT YOUR WAND AT EBONY! IT'LL BE SO MUCH EASIER TO PUT AN END TO THIS NIGHTMARE IF YOU DO!**


	30. Chapter 30

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111** With the way it's going, it's too easy to figure out exactly what's going to happen.** so FUL U! **Full me? What's that supposed to even mean? **111 if u flam u wil be a prep **I guess flaming Tara's awesomely horrible story**so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. **So you're one of THOSE people... That makes so much more sense. **fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

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"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. **Did the anvil fall on Ebony and squash her?** Then… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. **Can anyone explain to me how you knit a candle? Because I'm confused on that one...**

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. **Uh, Snape? I hate having to be the one to tell you this, but now is REALLY not the time to be mooning Ebony... or flashing her. **I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **That is the weirdest and possibly most uncomfortable place to have your Dark Mark... I think it makes more sense to have it on your arm or something...**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me. **Seriously? Why bother using a knife when you have a wand? Does Tara really not know all the amazing things you can do with magic?**

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1" **There's nothing worse than having to endure hours and hours of Snape rapping in your ear just because your girlfriend wouldn't stab someone else...**

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a Satanist **There's another drink... God, when is Tara going to realize that her jokes aren't even slightly hilarious?**) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. **Whoa, Voldy's a god, now? When did this happen? **He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage **Since when does Ebony have telepathy? And exactly how pathetic was her "telepathetic" message, anyway? **to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted. **Please tell me it was Ebony he shot...**

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" ***adds "ridiculous dunderhead" to list of Insults I Must Use At Some Point In My Life***Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him….

"Crosio!" I shited **Ebony, we REALLY don't need to know that you just took a shit... **pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **... Severus is Snape's first name...**

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. ***facepalm* **But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go."


	31. Chapter 31

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 **(Tara speak to English translation: I said shut the fuck up you... *no translation for last word*) Huh?** stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 **Tara, I believe we've already established that your fanfic is so utterly predictable that we know EXACTLY how it'll all end... **fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

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"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111 **Did anyone get that? 'Cause I didn't.**)." Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum **Does it make you turn into Voldy or something? 'Cause you know you could easily drink a Polyjuice Potion if that was really what you were aiming for... **out of my poket and gave it to Serverus **Severus IS Snape, you ridiculous dimwit**. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious **Mr. Luscious Lips... all the girls are just dying to kiss him. Too bad Ebony won't ever get the chance. **took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. **Out of all the details you could mention in regards to the room... THIS is what you chose to put down? **Hermoine, **The real Hermione, right? One could only hope... **Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary **Apparently not *sighs* **gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. **Only in Tara's world will a teacher, or any adult, for that matter, would insist on giving you such a slutty outfit. **I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.

"Fangs." I said.

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." **This has officially turned into a time-travel fic. **said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. **Does Tara even know anything about Resident Evil? Probably not, since she doesn't ever seem to know much of anything about the fandoms she is writing for... I probably know much more about it than she does, and I just skimmed the Wikipedia page for it. **Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. **I had to look online for this, too. It mentions it in the MI wiki... Did any of you know that My Immortal had its own Wiki?**Then….. I jumped sexily **Way #213 to tell that a character is a Mary Sue: They somehow manage to do EVERYTHING sexily, even something as mundane as taking a dump.** in2 da Pensive. **The Pensive is just for the sake of storing memories, isn't it? So you really can't do anything while inside it...**

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way **... Does Gerard Way have a brother named Mikey or something? **only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing **Uh, oh, there's another drink! **a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111 **So there's Ebony's mission impossible, huh?**


	32. Chapter 32

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 **Then why don't you go and fix it, for crying out loud? **if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111

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"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **Can I just say how totally unsurprised I am by this revelation?**

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den **So Tara actually knows that? Wow, that's amazing!**) I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s) **Doesn't mean it's really from the 80's.**

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered. **What's with all the concerts in Hogsmeade? Assuming that's what he meant.**

"hogsment?" I asked.

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **Apparently this guy can tell the future. How else would he know that? **he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

'topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." ***shakes head* Where'd he get the ability to see the future? Is it another special vampire ability, like Ebony's telepatheticness? **he moaned.

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted. **Hey, no need to shout. He's not deaf, you know.**

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'"

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED.

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik** Yet another drink, guys.**) he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" **Yeah, Ebony, you should know better by now! **he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. **So in other words, he's a complete and utter prep.**"STUPID GOFFS!"

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps." **Or he's just getting on your case for breaking the rules. Everyone has to follow them, after all.**

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord."

"wtf?" he asked angrily. **So, he can see the future, but doesn't know that he's going to end up like that? What's the point of being able to see the future if the only part of the future you can't see is your own?**

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. **Even though she was using a Pensive, so she really wasn't there. Tara should really pay more attention to Harry Potter.**

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **How the hell did she forget that you were there?**

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **No, Ebony, it isn't okay to scream at anyone like that, regardless of whether they are a "goff" or not.**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." **I told you already, you could just make a Polyjuice potion if you really want to be Voldy. Though as to why you would want to be Voldy, I have no freaking clue.** she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **Because there's nothing like a drug addiction to keep things interesting.**

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 **We were already aware of that without you telling us. And anyway, if you want people to take you seriously, throwing in these kinds of things is not doing you any good, not while your grammar and spelling sucks and your main character has about as much depth to her as a piece of paper.**


	33. Chapter 33

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz **Still not happening, Tara. **nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

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"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, **A hospital for... manga characters? Did I get that right? **bitch?"

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?"

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **And no pants...? Or are you just choosing not to describe it? I sincerely hope it's the second one.**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

"Fine." I reponded. **Except that nothing really happened.**We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked. **You didn't get anywhere with him, really.**

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. **Like Ebony the slut would really mind. **Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. **So in other words, they're being tortured. Jeez, Tara's such a sadist, isn't she?**

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons **How do you take photons, anyway? Do you even know what a photon is? **of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 **What the hell does that have to do with anything? **lolz). We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit **Why are you taking his shit? Who would want shit, anyway? **nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetness **Wouldn't Ebony be the one with wetness? **in my u-know-what sexily. **... Is there any other way to have sex besides sexily? **I gut an orgy.

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. **He's only now just starting to get a boner? Then how did he get it inside you?**

"I luv u TaEbory." **Tara was going to put her name there originally, wasn't she? Just like all the self-insert fics that pretend they're not self-insert fics. **he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **What's so funny about sleeping?**

**Yay, I'm three quarters of the way through! Finally!**


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